As goofy George had a habit of giving his wife strange Christmas
gifts, she was not surprised when he came one night carrying a tiny, branchless tree. Attached to a lone limb was a shotgun
"All right, George," said his wife, truly stumped this time.
"What is it?"
"Why, honey." George smiled,
"it's a cartridge in a bare tree."
Good King Wenceslas phoned for a pizza.
The salesgirl asked him, 'Do you want your usual? Deep pan, crisp
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each
year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.
Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical
rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.
We should have known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night
and not get lost.
Here are ten useful phrases for responding to Christmas presents
you would rather not have received:
1. Thanks a lot! I'VE ALWAYS WANTED SOMETHING LIKE THIS,
ALTHOUGH NOT VERY MUCH.
2. My word! What a gift.
3. Well, well, well ...
4. If I hadn't
put on so much weight recently it would have fitted me perfectly.
5. Gosh, I hope I never lose this. We're always
losing things around here.
6. It's great; but I'm worried about the jealousy it may create.
7. Just my luck
to get this, on the Christmas I promised to give all my gifts to charity.
8. Unfortunately, I am about to enter A
Witness Protection program.
9. Frankly, I don't deserve this.
10. Really, you shouldn't have.
A few days before
Christmas, two young brothers were spending the night at their grandparent's house. When it was time to go to bed, and anxious
to do the right thing, they both knelt down to say their prayers.
Suddenly, the younger one began to do so in a very
"Dear Lord, please ask Santa Claus to bring me a play-station, a mountain-bike and a telescope."
older brother leaned over and nudged his brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."
"I know" he replied, "But Grandma is!"
Question and Answer Christmas Jokes
Q: What do elves learn in school?
A: The Elf-abet!
Q: What's the most popular wine at Christmas?
A: "I don't like sprouts" !
Q: If athletes
get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?
Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Q: Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
A: Because he had low elf esteem.
does Santa have 3 gardens?
A: So he can ho-ho-ho.
Q: Where do polar bears vote?
A: The North Poll.
What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
A: Ribbon hood.
Q: Why do birds fly south for the
A: Because it's too far to walk.
Q: What was wrong with the boy's brand new toy electric train set he received
A: Forty feet of track - all straight!
Q: What kind of bird can write?
A: A PENguin.
How does Al Gore's household keep Christmas politically correct?
A: On Christmas morning, they give the presents TO the
Q: What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?
A: Sandy Claus!
Q: How do sheep in Mexico
say Merry Christmas?
A: Fleece Navidad!
Q: What nationality is Santa Claus?
A: North Polish.
Q: Why does
Santa's sled get such good mileage?
A: Because it has long-distance runners on each side.
Q: What do you call a
bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
A: Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!
What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?
A: Crisp Cringle.
Q: What did the ghosts say to Santa Claus?
We'll have a boo Christmas without you.
Q: What did Santa shout to his toys on Christmas Eve?
A: Okay everyone,
Q: What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Q: If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a
child, what would he be called?
A: A subordinate claus.
Q: Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?
He wanted to sleep like a log.
Q: Why did Santa spell Christmas N-O-E?
A: Because the angel had said, "No L!"
What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh, Ho, Ho, Swoosh?
A: Santa caught in a revolving door!
Q: Why does Santa Claus go down
the chimney on Christmas Eve?
A: Because it " soots " him!
Q: What do you do if Santa gets stuck in your chimney?
A: Pour Santa flush on him.
Q: Did you hear that one of Santa's reindeer now works for Proctor and Gambel?
Its true . . . Comet cleans sinks!
Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
A: Because every buck is dear to him.
Q: How come you never
hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive" ?
A: Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him
Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets
all the credit.
Q: What was so good about he neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas?
A: It was wound
Q: What's a good holiday tip?
A: Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone
south for the winter.
A NEW VERSION OF THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
I went to the door today, and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear
tree. This was a delightful gift! I couldn't have been more surprised or pleased darling!
With truly the deepest love,
Today the postman brought me yet another of your sweet gifts. The two turtle doves
that arrived today are adorable, and I'm delighted by your thoughtful and generous ways.
With all of my love,
December 16, 2003
You've truly been too kind! I must protest; I don't deserve
such generosity. The thought of getting three French hens amazes me. Yet, I am not surprised--what more should I expect from
such a nice person.
December 17, 2003
Four calling birds arrived
in the mail today. They are truly nice but don't you think that enough is enough? You are being too romantic.
Dearest darling Dave,
It was a surprise to get five golden rings! I now have one for every finger.
You truly are impossible darling, yet oh how I love it! Quite frankly, all of those squarking birds from the previous days
were starting to get on my nerves. Yet, you managed to come through with a beautiful valuable gift!
All my love,
When I opened my door, there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So
you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are dear, but where will I keep them? The neighbors are complaining, and
I am unable to sleep with all the racket. Please stop dear.
December 20, 2003
is with you and those stupid birds!? Seven swans a-swimming!! What kind of sick joke is this!!?? There are bird droppings
everywhere! They never shut up, and I don't get any sleep!!! I'm a nervous wreck! It's not funny you weirdo, so stop with
December 21, 2003
O.K. wise guy,
The birds were bad enough.
Now what do you expect me to do with eight maids a-milking? If that's not bad enough, they had to bring their cows!! The front
lawn was completely ruined by them, and I can't move in my own house! Just lay off me or you'll be sorry!
What are you? You must be some kind of sadist!! Now there are nine pipers playing, and
they certainly do play! They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they got here! The cows are getting upset, and they're
stepping all over those screeching birds. The neighbors are getting up a petition to evict me, and I'm going out of my mind!
December 23, 2003
You rotten scum!!!
There are now ten ladies dancing! There
is only one problem with that! They're dancing twenty-four hours a day all around me with the pipers upsetting the cows and
the maids. The cows can't sleep, and they are going to the bathroom everywhere! The building commissioner has subpoenaed me
to give cause as to why the house shouldn't be condemned! I can't even think of a reason! You creep! I'm sicking the police
One who means it!
December 24, 2003
Listen you evil, sadistic, maniac!
the eleven lords-a-leaping?!? They are leaping across the rooms breaking everything and even injuring some of the maids! The
place smells, is an absolute mad house, and is about to be condemned! At least the birds are quiet; they were trampled to
death by the cows. I hope you are satisfied--you rotten vicious worthless piece of garbage!
Your sworn enemy,
The Law Offices of
Badger, Rees, and Yorker
20 Knave Street
is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers-fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, one Agnes
Mcholstein. The destruction of course was total. If you attempt to reach Ms. Mcholstein at Happy Daze Sanatarium, the attendants
have instructions to shoot you on site.
Please direct all correspondence to this office in the future. With this letter,
please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Badger, Rees, and Yorker