TIPS AND ENCOURAGEMENT FOR THE PARENTING LIFE

A MAP TO HELP FIND YOUR WAY THROUGH THE "BEYONDERS"

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when you stand accused: false allegations and foster care

THERE IS A KNOCK ON THE DOOR. YOU ANSWER TO A STERN-FACED CASEWORKER. SHE IS THERE TO INVESTIGATE…YOU. YOU HAVE BEEN ACCUSED OF CHILD ABUSE.

WHAT? ME...A PROFESSIONAL?

At the risk of being stoned outside the city walls, let me state the following: I support the professionalization of foster care. There. I said it. Now I’m ducking.

You see, I said the same thing in a post on a foster care forum and got this response:

“I don’t want anyone calling me a professional. I am in foster care because I love the kids!”

I felt like a money grubbing, bottom-feeding low life. Like I didn’t give a flip for the kids I foster. TO READ ENTIRE ARTICLE..CLICK HERE

A MEMO TO MY FRIENDS

FOSTER CARE IS NOT FOR WIMPS

de-escalation is not a four letter word.

by Caryl Harvey

I’ll bet, when you tell the kids in your house they are grounded, they smile, nod sweetly and say, “Yes, Ma’mn.”

I’ll bet they accept your wisdom and authority without question.

I’ll bet you’ve never had an angry kid…or spouse…or neighbor in your face.

Right?

Anyway, I went to a class on De-escalation, thinking I knew it all.

I was wrong.

First, I like to sit down and make the kid stand. Shows them right off who’s in control, right? Not so much. When you want to step down a confrontive situation, both of you should BE SEATED…at the same level. And if the other person stands up, you stand up. Don’t sit facing the other person head-on. Turn a bit in your chair. And don’t make continuous eye contact either. Look down once in a while. Let the other person “disengage.” (And be aware—if they begin to pace, the situation is getting beyond your control…pacing signals that the other person is attempting to up the ante…to increase the aggression level)

When a kid squares off with me, the last thing on my mind is respecting him. Turns out that should be the first thing I think about. I’m 5’5. Most kids are bigger than that.

Okay, I outweigh most of them, but blubber is not a fear factor.

And I want them to respect me. It’s an Aretha thing…y’know. R-E-S-P-E-C-T!

Number one on the de-escalation list: MUTUAL RESPECT. Don’t call names. Meathead, Dufus, Bear-breath, Chucky Wheeze and Pimple-butt are all pretty much inappropriate here.

ALLOW VENTILATION ROOM BETWEEN YOU …say four or five feet. The area between you, say the experts, is filled with anxiety and anger. It makes the other person feel safer. (Also, this distance allows you about a 2 second head start if things go south.)

DON’T RAISE YOUR VOICE. See? This is where it gets hard. I always thought that the volume of your voice was in direct proportion to the importance of what you had to say.

The gurus also warn us not to point. That pointer finger has always served me well. It helps me differentiate which of the kids is grounded for three months. It lets me direct them to their rooms when they get sassy. But it turns out it has no place here.

Instead, we’re told, make your voice VERY calm. Almost monotonous. With younger children or very agitated people it might even work to speak in a stage-whisper. They’ll have to tone down to hear what you’re saying.

BE AWARE OF YOUR PHYSICAL STANCE. Keep your hands out of your pockets…visible and open in your lap. Don’t touch the other person. (Okay, we’re four feet apart. My arms aren’t that long. And I thought maybe a little hug…some TLC…but I guess this is NOT the time for that.) Out-of-control people could feel threatened or misinterpret touch as threatening. I read that one girl was touched at the nape of her neck…a gesture meant to soothe her…and she felt she was being choked. She responded violently. And don’t smile. It’s another sign that could be misinterpreted as sarcastic or threatening. (One source compared it to a threatening animal baring its teeth.) And another imperative: NEVER TURN YOUR BACK ON THE OTHER PERSON.

DO NOT ATTEMPT TO EXPLAIN OR DEFEND YOUR POSITION, OR TO CONVINCE THEM. This is solely to calm down a situation. There should be NO Context. This is not a time to read them the “Parents Bill of Rights.” The goal is just to make everyone safe.

ANSWER ONLY INFORMATIONAL QUESTIONS. Whether or not their language is appropriate, answer questions like “When do I get to see my *%#^ father?” Do NOT answer, “Why are you being such a jerk?” Do not even respond to that type of attack…it is NOT personal. Don’t make it that way.

All righty, then. We’re sitting down, four feet apart. I’m talking quietly. My hands are in my lap. I’m not smiling. I’m not defending my position. WHAT THE HECK AM I DOING, THEN? Well, the experts say I should LAY OUT THE CONSEQUENCES of the other person’s actions. Factually. Without other comment. And make it clear that the consequences are “just the rules…the same for everybody.” Give choices where you can: “Can you meet with me calmly right now, or would you like some time to cool off?”

So now is the time for some warm fuzzies, right? To ask them how they are feeling? Only if you want this thing to implode right then and there. STAY AWAY FROM “FEELING” WORDS. Ask, instead, for the person to repeat what they are saying to you so that you are sure you understand.

And the last thing they said in the de-escalation class was to trust your instincts. If you feel threatened…LEAVE THE ROOM.

Okay. That one I get. And I was pretty much right on there. It was a good class. Informative and all. And I gave it a good score on those evaluation sheets. The thing is, I like to put that stuff I learn into practice as soon as I can so I don’t forget it. So, basically, I need to go pick a fight with someone so I can see if this stuff works!

If it doesn’t, I may write an article on basic first aid.

MANIPULATION -- A TOOL ONLY CHIROPRACTORS SHOULD USE

by Caryl Harvey

Here’s the thing. The Department of Social Services had arranged for a two-hour visit with the teenager’s family. We only had so much time. And the kid wanted to go out to eat. The social worker asked all of them if they had enough money to buy their own lunches. They did—by the skin of their teeth.

Then, the girl reminded me that I had said we would stop by Penney’s before we left town to go home. And I had—before I found out about the two hour visit—after lunch. I had nothing to do for two hours and I needed to be home by the time my other foster children got home from school. It was either the visit or shopping—not both.

The girl pouted and tears welled. Her bottom lip quivered. Finally, DSS asked me if I could take her to shop before the visit. I would have to give up my lunch time and she would miss hers as well, but that’s what she wanted. We went shopping.

She blew every penny she had and spent until 2:00 at the store, robbing her parents of an hour of their visit. But I figured that was her choice.

When she got home ( transported the 50 mile one-way trip by the department ) I found out that not only had she talked them into a longer visit, but had manipulated her parents into spending the little money they had on buying her fast food.

WHAT’S WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE?

We were manipulated. That’s what is wrong. And I don’t like it—unless I am doing the manipulating. But how can you tell when you are being manipulated? There are ways, but it involves NEVER making a snap decision. ALWAYS try to give yourself time to think things through.

FIRST: Try to assess the motivations. Are they suddenly very friendly, unusually respectful…offering to do extra chores? Something may be brewing. Stop and ask yourself what they stand to gain by what they're asking. If they talk you into going the long way home so they can see their old house, are they really wanting to get a “heads up” on where their old friends are? Or is there a shopping mall close at hand where you just “might” be persuaded to stop along the way?

SECOND: Are you suddenly being favored over the other parent, and if so—do you control an element the teen might need to access? ( Are you easier than Dad to convince she needs a new dress for the dance?)

THIRD: Do you feel pressure—even hidden pressure? Do not let yourself be forced into a decision – “If we don’t get the dress this afternoon, it may be sold out from under us.”

FOURTH: Is guilt involved? Is the teen trying to make you feel guilty for something that she may then use to let you “make it up to her” by giving her what she wants.

All four, huh? Me too. So how do you deal with manipulation. I mean, we need to compromise sometimes, but -----

1) DON’T GIVE UP YOUR STANDARDS. You’re trying to teach the child an ethic. If you lower your standards, she’ll get the idea it’s okay to cheat. The old adage says “ If you fight with a pig, you both get dirty—but the pig likes it.” Kids from traumatic situations need to stir up trauma. Understand that and stall it before it starts. If it is an ethical thing JUST SAY NO and refuse to discuss it any further. But if it doesn’t involve ethics—

2) Don’t buy into their attitude. Keep your voice level and don’t get angry. Instead, ask the teen: Why do you feel you need this? How do you think this will affect the rest of the family? Why do you feel this is your only option? What don’t you like about my suggestions? Then LISTEN. If the child is encouraged to support her position, she may not be able to logically defend it and will change her mind. In any case—if you don’t get angry and argue with her, you’ll put her off guard.

3) Call in a third party. Think of them as reinforcements. If you are on the cusp of giving in, they can support you, On the other hand, if you’re being unreasonable they will let you know. IN MOST CASES, DO NOT CALL IN ANOTHER TEENAGER

4) Offer another solution – a counter offer.

5) Walk away. Say “I need more time to think this over” if there is some merit to the request. OR “I need to get some more facts first” if you suspect that the teen is trying to rush you into a decision. YOU MIGHT EVEN SAY

“ Let me know if you decide to take me up on this.” That says "No way, Jose" to the kid. Finally, you could try “I think we both need more time to think about this. Let’s talk later.” In the last instance—if there is no attempt at manipulation—both of you win.

6) JUST SAY NO. If you are uncomfortable with a situation and there are all the benchmarks of manipulation present, give yourself permission to just say no.

I never let kids manipulate me. Almost never. Not usually…….

I guess I’ll read my article again.